yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
