You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
