she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
