Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
