I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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