he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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