if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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