I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
