wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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