Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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