I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize