I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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