my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
