Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I wear drunk well.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
