I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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