I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
