god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
