I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
