i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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