Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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