You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
And then he peed in my hair
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