i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
