so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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