So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
