My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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