My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
