I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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