oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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