just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
