i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
