I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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