Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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