He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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