I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
