I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
