Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
