I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
