I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
