I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
