My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
