You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
