What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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