We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
