You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
