I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
