she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
