my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
