I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
