you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
