The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
