FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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