I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Randomize
