apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
