We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
