It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
