Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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