Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
