i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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