I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
