My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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