the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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