I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize